FUBAR Film Review: Hardware

So yeahe Ive been working on this new comic called Salvage and its gotten me into a taste for all things Cyberpunk.  A while back Id read a review in an issue of the  Darkside for a flick called Hardware. To me it seemed nothing more then a cheap terminator knockoff. Then I started working on Salvage and shelled out a lot of ideas for bio-mechs in the story. While doing this I got kinda intrested in techno cyberpunk horror and decided to check out some flicks and up poped Hardware agien. After reading up about it and how it was based on a 2000A.D strip called Shok! I decide being a comichead I had to get it and give it a shot.

So the fist part of the flick kicks off with the whole 2000A.D vibe of everythings fucked....the air, the sky and the cites. This nomad finds parts of a robot out in the nuclear wasteland and brings them back to the city ((Refered in some parts as Mega city one)) Who then sell to parts to war worn merc Moses "Hard Mo" Baxter played pretty well buy Dylan McDermott. Mo then gives the parts to his smoking hot girlfriend Jill potrayed in all her sexy stoner glory Miss Stacey Travis. So Mo comes back the bump uglies then fight....then Mo piss's off to find out more about the death machine gift he got his bird only for Jill to make it into a scultpture and get high off cockroach tea while her peeping tom neighbour gets his jollies off.
Mo finds out the thing is a M.A.R.K 13 and checks a passage in his bible Mark 13" No flesh shall be spared" Then he relises oh fuck .....just as the cazy ass deathmachine comes to life. Oh fuck me does it look fucked up...its Johnny five crossed with Peter Sutcliffe. I mean this things attmepts to rape Stacey Travis with its drill dick. At least the termintor just wanted to blow sarah Connors brains out....this thing was just fucking evil.  As a movie Hardware isnt groundbreaking buy any standerds but one can see why it has it cult status and its still a sweet looking horror movie. My only issue had with the plot was that most the characters were high....Jill gets high off cockroach tea, Shades gets high off L.S.D and Mo....well how Mo gets high is rather intresting but the fact was Iwas left wondering why. Okay the world they lived in was shitty hence why they might want to get stoned as fuck. Then I listened to the audio commentry buy Richard Stanly and it all be came clear. After several or so minutes of him ranting about how the army has robots the are just like this and how he used to drop acid and experience ever lasting peace followed buy never ending waves of sorrow I relised this guy has never been down to earth in a long time and in all lightlyhood never will.

So what am I going to give Hardware. Ill give it a 7/10. Its fun ,its gross and its....pretty fucking high.
Rent it if you liked/Aviod it if you hated: Terminator, clockwork orange and Dust Devil.

P.s listen out for Iggy Pop and look out for Motorheads Lemmy.

Cult Kings of the Video shelf!

So your making a movie say in europe and youv got fuck all of a bob on yahe cause no one really wants to fund Zombie Alien Nazie Hookers from Santaland 6. What do you do...you hire these guys.


(1)Lance Henriksen
I love this man. The guys a fucking living legend. Be he Bishop the milk vomiting andriod with a "heart" of gold in Aliens or the moody manhunter Frank Black in Millennium hes chewing scenery. If hes not chewing senery then its most lightly gravel.....the guys voice is wicked....lets just say you dont want him reading you kid a bedtime story. But he is a legend and an underated talent whos star power shouldnt be found on the video shelf. The guy learned to read when he was 30,  he taught himself by studying film scripts and was one of the few saving graces in the AVP movie. Lance you are a legend.

Check out: Aliens, Millennium, Near Dark and Pumpkinhead Avoid: Mind Ripper.

(2)Rutger Haur
 Another guy who really should have gone on to better things Rutger Haur is mental...but in a good way.
Whether it be convinceing Ridley Scott to let him take a  dangerous jump for a shot in Blade Runner or  uttering a  shithouse mad line like "Let go of me demons your crushing my smokes!"  in Hobo with a Shotgun the man will anything cause he knows he can do anything. Theres some might give me a load of shit for saying this but I think hes way better in Hitcher then Blade Runner. Why you may ask? Its easy the guys so good a playing a fucking mad man cause....well....he is a mad man. In hobo with a shotgun he jumped out a window with his hand bound buy masking tape before the crew could say "Wait Rutger your 67....you shouldnt...oh shit he made it"
Roy Batty may have Seen thing you wouldnt belive.....but the shit weve seen Rutger do well you wouldnt belive it either. Thank Mr Haur.

Check out: Blade Runner, the Hitcher and Hobo with a shotgun. Aviod :Omega Doom.

(3)Clint Howard
I dont care who you are or what you watch youv seen somthing with Clint Howard in it. The  brother or Ron Howard ((yeahe Richte from Happy Day and the guy who director of Apllo 11)) he was a child actor who grew up....however it seem this was a reverse ugly duckly case. Clint is the most oddest locking bloke to ever be exposed to the moving picture. Which explians why he mainly only get bit parts as rednecks, convicts and all in all human waste. Having said all this however Clint can act...he takes a 2 minute role and makes it his own. Dosent matter if hes Dinosaur chow in Carnosaur or the Bullied Nerd in Evil Speak the guy makes it his own. Clint you may not be Brad Pitt but you can sure as shit act.

Check out: Carnosuar and Evil Speak. Aviod:Ping

(4)Eric Roberts
You want a really good bad guy for your movie you get Al Pacino. You cant get Al you go for Eric Roberts instead. The guy is the Master class at playing an Evil shit unlike his sister Juila whos always been the rom-com queen. Hes been a baddie in Heros,  The Justice League cartoons, The Dark Knight and chewed the shit out of the scenery in The Expendables. While hes good at playing bad hes been a bit naughty in real life too In 1987, Roberts was arrested for possession of cocaine and resisting arrest after he tried to assault a NYPD cop. He spent 36 hours in jail, pleaded guilty to harassment, and had all other charges dropped then in February 1995, Roberts was arrested for shoving his wife, Eliza Garrett, into a wall.
Eric Roberts your the King of Naughty basterds.

Checkout: The Dark Knight and The Expendables. Aviod: Cyclops and D.O.A .

(5)Mark Dacascos
This guy has done it and played it all. How and why you may ask? Cause Mark is any and every race.
The guys dad  Al Dacascos, is from Hawaii, and is a martial arts instructor of Filipino, Spanish, and Chinese ancestry. How can you beat that? Well the Chairman on Food Network's television series Iron Chef America. Hes played the Crow in the shortlived but pretty good Tv series and done another comic book adaption in the form of Crying Freeman. Is there there anything he cant do....nope....hes been in  Dancing with the Stars this guy will and can not be stopped.

Checkout:Brotherhood of the Wolf and Crying Freeman Aviod: DNA

Hail to the kings of  budget movies may you live forever.....or at least till your next direct to video movie comes out.