Saturday 6 October 2012

Sods and Monsters.

Okay Im sure all of us have read Moby Dick and know the gist. Well theres a number of horror movies that have Ahab like old blokes who uselly have a vendetta with the monster/beast in question. 9 times outta 10 theyv lost a loved one from the creature or just like going mano-a-mano with mother nature and they dont care who gets hurt in the process. So heres my top 3 Ahabs of horror movies.

(1) Quint: Jaws.
Robert Shaws Samuel Quint has to be number one. No doubt about it...this salty sea dog is the other thing that chewing scenery besides the fucking shark. Hes gruff, hes mean, you cant make out what hes saying some times but man is he cool. With Quint your always on edge, you like the guy but your never really sure if hes all there.Will he be the death of Hooper and Brody or will the shark be. The stand out momment is when all the guys are having a male bonding momment and Quint recalls when he served on the Indianapolis and the dark tale lets us know how he understands sharks and why he does what he does.
But Quints stand out momment has to be his death even getting devoured buy the movies title beast he dosent go down with out a fight. Driving a Machete into the creature before being dragged to his doom.
A scary end to a scary man.


(2)Jack Taggart, Sr: Jeepers Creepers 2
So your son is capture and killed buy an unkillable creature and your wrecked with grief. How do you cope with the untimely and aweful death? You  hunt the fucking thing down that what you do. Ray Wise is fucking kick ass in this role. Hes like a salt of the earth farmer who only good thing in life is his son and then he taken and that it....all bets are off. The guy builds, listen to this Im not shitting you...Home made Harpoon launcher outta a post puncher. I mean someone might call the cops or get a lynch mob together or somthing which dumb rednecks do but no not Farmer Taggert this guy goes evil dead Ahab and makes a harpoon. This thing is bad ass, he mounts it to his pick up and turns farm tools into harpoons. Also he,s fuckeing mental...he uses the bus full of kids as bait and when he does bring down the creeper he mounts it up in his barn and keeps the Harpoon aimed at it waiting for it to wake. Really Ray Wise makes this movie.


(3)Jake Cullen: Razorback
This dear old grandad decides to go fry himself some wild bacon when his grandson is killed buy the savage porker. He nearly culls all the boar population in his area but never finds the Pig that killed his grandson.
When some one asks how dangerous a boar really  he reply with one kick ass line that became the movies tag line "It has only two states of being dangerous or dead, there is no inbetween" When he finally confronts the Razorback things dont work out the way he wished and he ends up on the wrong side of the beasts tusks. Still Jake gave our heros enough info to defeat the big boar and get some form of revenge from himself and his grandson.


So what have we learned. Sure mother natures not to be messed with but there are some parents and grandparents that are even meaner then her.



Tuesday 11 September 2012

FUBAR Film Review Classic: Army of Darkness.

The Evil Dead movies kick ass...Evil Dead one was a savage assault on the senses via sound and tone, it was nasty gritty and just plain evil. Evil Dead 2: Dead buy Dawn was basicly a remake with the comedy sense of a loony toons cartoon. The gore and horror was so over the top you had to love and laugh at it.
So that leaves us with Army of Darkness AKA Evil Dead 3 AKA Medi-evil Dead AKA Bruce Campbell vs The Army of Darkness ((also in Japan its known as Captain supermarkert vs the evil dead. Dear santa this year I need a life!)). This is what you would get if you crossed the Three Stooges, Krull and night of the living dead. It amps up the comedy even more for this installment and dropped the horror element alot which is why when it was released at first the fans hated it.

The movie starts off right where Dead buy dawn left off Ash is trapped in 1300 A.D because of the Book of the dead. Ash is captured ((which is odd cause in Dead buy Dawn he slays a winged Deadite and is hailed a hero...Oh god this is why no woman will touch me)) and brought back to a Castle fortress.There hes tossed into a pit and has to off a couple of Nasties and is then made a  hero...reluctently so. Somthing you should also know is another reason the film didnt do well with the fans is cause Ash is a bit of dick in this movie however I could see where Campbell was going with this idea...look at it this way! Your friends have all been slaughtered, you'v been tortured buy an evil force whos trying to break your mind, you'v cut off your hand and you'v been fucked back in time...who could blame you for acting the cunt.
So Ash is told to bring back the back to the castle where the Kings wisemen can send him back and destroy the evil once and for all. Ash quests for the book having to battle a number of beasties rangeing from mini-evil versions of himself to a grave yard of manhandling skeletons. When he evently gets the book he fucks up and leads the army of darkness back to the Castle. What ensues is the funniest,dumbest and most swashbuckling badass battle ever seen ((I mean youv puppet skeletons screaming "Lets get outta here"))

Campbell is awesome in this movie playing Duel roles as both good and bad Ash. Good Ash is a dick who hates everyone and is just a dumb selfish blowheart who only saving grace is killing monsters. You root for him not cause you like him more that your stuck with him which isnt a bad thing cause which is cooler a hero with a few flaws or a very flawed guys who is a hero. As Bad Ash he rocks as well, he straddles the line between classic and cheese villean Bad Ash rocks with lines like "I will command every worm infested son-of a bitch in this grave yard" Hes undead, has a skeleton army and is Bruce Campbells evil double how can he not be badass. Ofcourse  I couldnt mention Ash in Army of Darkness with out mentioning the oneliners. You couldnt have army without Ash and you couldnt have Ash with out his quips. These are fucking crazy...you say these in the real world you would be killed but Im still tempted to say them. Like his line to Henrey the Red "Right now you leading one of two things jack and shit and jack left town so all you got left is shit. But as god is my witness I will use the line "give me some suger baby" even if I get slapped in the face or with a restraining order.

While Army isnt the best of the three movies its buy no way the worst either it just sits to the side like a loveable cousin who snuck into a family photo. Army of Darkness is Rami and Campell at there best having a laugh and making a fun flick.

Watch if you liked /Aviod if you hated: Evil Dead 1+2, Conan, jackass, Time Bandits and having any bit of fun in your life.

((Groovy!!!!)



Tuesday 14 August 2012

Top 5 vigilantes

Being a big fan of  the Punisher and vigilante genre itself  it was only a matter of time before I done a list of my top 5 vigilantes in movies. Whats a vigilante you might ask?
In movies there are some times heros who dont have powers or a badge to help them. The ones they loved or cared for have been killed or raped and nothing has been done. These people are the ones you root for even though they take the law into their own hands and deal out a justice that others might find extreme.
These are the top 5 best movie Vigilantes.

(1)Paul Kersey: Death Wish
Paul Kersey is a mild mannered architect who draws arms when his wife and daughter are murdered and sexually assaulted. Angered buy the system that dosent seem to work Kersey takes to stalking the streets of New York and killing everylow life he can find with swift justice. Kersey dosent seem to enjoy the killing or take any pleasure in it but seems to find it helps deal with the tragic events of what befell his family. Charles Bronson played Kersey with a cool lowbrow effect that made the charater almost wolf like. Always aware and always ready for what the urban Jungle would spit out.The movie spawned a number of follow ups but the first is buy far the best. Charles for bringing us the most bad ass vigilante you got yourself the top spot.


(2)John Eastland:The Exterminator
When Eastlands buddy who saved his ass in Nam is crippled he decides to take on a gang named the Ghetto Ghouls and bring a little war to the streets of New York. While like Kersey he dosent relish violence Eastland isnt afraid to do aweful ,aweful things to aweful people i:e dropping a mobster into a meat grinder feet first or letting rats eat some drugdealers alive....its almost like a little bit of the Vietnam war got into him and is seeping out like a venom upon those who he sees as evil. Robert Ginty was a fucking ice-man in this movie...he wasent the most tough guy in the world but when he had to take out the trash he just burnt the rubbishbin. John Eastland in many ways the the closet movie version of my best loved comic book vigilante the Punisher...he was a Nam vet, he wasent a hulk of a man and he's not a fan of conversation. To me the Exterminator was the best Punisher movie never made and thats why Johnny boy gets number 2.


(3)Nick Hume:Death Sentence
If I had to pick who the most dangerous vigilante on this list Id have to go with Nick. While the other top guys are badass,s Nick is the one who dosent give a shit....buy the third act of the movie your like "fuck hes on a suicide mission." He thinks hes lost everything ...hes got nothing left to lose. This is probley one of Kevin Bacons best preformances. Hes hurt, hes tortured and he just want revenge.He cuts a swat through the gang that kills his family and in the process becomes as savage as they are, showing that unlike the other movies that an eye for an eye does indeed leave everyone blind.


(4)Erica Bain: The Brave One
Erica is the only female Vigilante on this list but this isnt the reason I put her on. The reason shes on is cause in my mind shes the most realistic of the 5. When she and your fiancé are attacked and he dies Erica is lost in a state of trauma and anger. Having lost some one she really loved and feeling nothing is even being done she decides to aquire a gun for her own saftey and over the course of the movie finds her self in situations when otherwise she'd be the victem she is able to overcome her fear and decides to avenge the the one she lost. Jodie Foster delivers one powerful preformance in this movie showing the the hurt and anger of someone who has gone through such a schocking event and determined never to let it happen agien.


(5)Harry Brown: Harry Brown
Theres nothing more scarey than being an elderly person living on your own. what happens when your only mate is murdered and the world around you is like a battlefield. Harry Brown is some one whos seen war and death and wants nothing more to do with it. When he first is attacked he defends himself with a reflex action...he dosent go looking for trouble...hes alone and sad. Unlike the other movies your not only root for that character but you fear for him. He's like everyones grandad...when he presues one of the thugs who killed his mate he suffers a heart attack. Micheal Cain brings a very mortal quality to this vigilante...some one who trys to aviod trouble when ever possible but isnt afraid to take it on despite his age or the odds and that what lands him on my list.



Thursday 9 August 2012

Creature Feature:Carnosaur

So in 1993 Jurassic Park came out and I was nine and my sister took me to see it on the big screen. For a boy of my age it was like being at fucking Woodstock....it was a movie with dinosaurs! There was other kiddie flicks that had bad dinosuar suits and shit but nothing ever came close bar one flick that my dad let me rent and buy christ I was glad my father didnt give a shit what I watched.

Made of a shoe string budget this mockbuster was Roger Corman in the wake of the Jurassic Park Hype to Cash in. The story is loosely(( and I really fucking mean loosely)) on Josh Brosnans book of the same name.

The story is kinda of a mess but ill try and give you the bare bones. Set in some poe-dung town of the south west were introduced to our hero Doc a drunk night watchemn((yes you know your on to a good start when your hero a pissed watchmen)) who job it is to guard industrail machinery from pesky tree-hugging kids one of whom he "Befriend" ((theres a courtcase in there somewhere)) called I shit you not THRUSH.
Meanwhile in some fucking lab a scientest Dr. Jane Tiptree (Diane Ladd whos the mom of the chick in jurassic park) is faffing around with reptile DNA to make dinosuars and get this injecting them into chicken eggs...why? who fucking knows. One of her beasties ecapes and slaughters those peskey kids and Ron Howards creepy brother (its cant be that bad so). The sheriff manages to bring it down but being the only black guy in this movie has his ticket punched anyway. Our heros try to stop the doctor and she releases her prize T-rex to stop them. ((right now im looking over why what im typing and reliseing I still have to sell you this block shit...so here I go))

Why do I like this pile of Dino doo-doo! Threes reasons.

(1) Its Dino-violance. Sure Jurassic park had dinosaurs attacking people but it wasnt a gory affair which bothered me in later years, I mean if your attacked buy an animal its going to be a fucking mess. This monsters were savage. A young girl who chained herself to a digger in a protest has her leg torn off like a chicken drumstick buy a dinosuar in a gory fashion, Clint Howards death is amazeing and you get to see what a shotgun would do to a pissed off dinosaur...which in other movies would be like "Bullits wont stop it"

(2) T-Rex vs Bulldozers. Right being a big Aliens fan I know this is a knock off but shit its a fucking T-rex vs building machinery. I mean come on it is pretty sweet!

(3) The ending. Im not going to give it away but its darker then a November night.

So you want jurassic parks cheap-sleazy sister then I suggest you check out Carnosaur...even for Clints death it worth it.




Tuesday 24 July 2012

FUBAR Film Review:The Exterminator

Being a Big Super fan of the Punisher people tend to ask me which is my favourite Punisher Movie..is it Dulphs outing as Frank which was shot with ozzy gangsters or maybe the Movie with Tom Janes Frank being the only saving grace to the hole mess or prehaps is Ray Stevensons outting as Castle that fed my hunger for blood with its over the top boring blood letting. My answer is kids its none of these.
The Best Punisher movie in my view isnt even a Punisher flick.

In 1980 grindhouse was still in full swing and the grot mongers were eager to cash in on the Veitnam hype with the likes of deer hunter bringing home the big bucks. Out of an number of godaweful shite came a pretty cool vet-vigilante movie called The Exterminator.

The Movie starts with a bang when some G.Is are captured buy the viet kong and before John Eastland the last member of his unit can chew the wrong side of a machete his Buddy Jefferson turns up with a M-60 and makes charlie into seven types of swiss fucking cheese and pull his buddies ass outta the shit.

So both guys get back home states side and work on the docks together. So when some punks cripple Eastlands buddy he decides to hunt down the scum who fucked up his mate. Then Esterland finds out that Jeffersons boss who is bening strong armed buy the mob wont pay his wife his back pay. So he hunts down that fucker two and makes some use of the dock meatgrinder(do not east taco chips while watching this movie).....and so Esterland deicdes his good at bringing justice to the injust. Pimps.pedos. punks and scum he hunts them all and deals out death via, blades, bullits and fire....he likes fire. Now at this stage your wonder wait this flicks just like death wish. Well trust me it aint...bronson never delt out this much pain and wait till you hear the sub-plot. The paper makes Esterland a hero and name him the Exterminator. Not only do the police freak but the C.I...Fucken....A thinks his a commie agent sent to discredit the American police force and decide to hunt him down.

Robert Ginty is a fucken rockstar in this movie.Hes an ice man and your left wondering is he doing this cause he thinks he's doing the right thing or does he enjoy it. He coins a wicked catchphrease " If your lying...Ill come back for ya" and even makes the world shitest lines sound cool.
Punk : "He was just a N***er!
Easterland: That N***ER WAS MY FRIEND!"
Punk:"Bu-"
Esterlands rifle:BANG
Punks head:POP!
Ginty later went on to do a sequal but it didnt have the same impact as this movie. If I could I have so loved to see him dawn a skull shirt and bomb around in a blacked out van. So whos my  favourite Punisher? Robert Ginty thats who motherfucker and if you dont like it....Ill come back for ya!

Watch if you liked/Aviod if you hated
Deathwish
The Punisher
Taxie Driver
The London riots



Monday 9 July 2012

FUBAR Film Classic Review: The Wild Bunch

So I came home today to the tragic news that the great Ernest Borgnine Died today. Alot of you guys might have known him from Air Wolf but to me he'll always be Dutch in the Wild Bunch and with this sad news I decided to slap in my dvd copy of the flick and rewatch it and boy I forgot how good it was.
First off you should know that the Wild Bunch was directed buy Sam Peckinpah the man who made slow motion violance an artform. Pieckinpah didnt like conventions of normal Hollywood...the guy was afucking maverick and the Wild Bunch is where this really shines through. Made in 1969 when the concept of wild west movies were begining to die off the silver screen and the war in Veitnam was taking its tole on the united states the Wild Bunch bled out everything Peckinpah was feeling at the time.

This was a western unlike any other. The heros were not heros but outlaws who were cold blood in their efforts to survive a  changeing world. Led buy Pike Bishop whom is played buy Willeam Holden who is one badass motherfucker in this flick, the gang gun down innocent men and women in an effort to escape an ambush buy a group of hired guns and Pikes former partner Deke. These guys then decide to go mexico way and hire themselves out as mercs for a former bandido warlord named Mapache. He hires our boys to rob a train filled with U.S arms. The boys do rob the train only thing is Deke crew are onboard and give case. Now Im not going to give away this part buy how the lads escape the posse but its wicked and makes me wonder if Peckinpah hated horses.

So the boys escape and make it back with the goodies for Mapaches army, only thing is one of their own is related to the rebals who the worlord is fighting and he gets himself in a sticky situation. Bishop having displayed a cold and almost cruel outlook on the world from the start of the movie decides even that they got their reward from Mapache  that they should go back an save their commrade even if it means certain death. What happens is what I can only call one of the best gunbattles in movie history.

Why do I love this movie so much. In my view its one of the last purest westrens...The good guys arnt good guys ...their not even nice guys. I mean Ernest Borgnine useing a mexican peasent girl as a human fucking shield, the Bunch trample a group of chruch folk to death as they escape the ambush and they even end up turning on one of their own cause he was trying to do the right thing....but thats the whole point of this movie. Guys like Billy the kid and Jesse James were killers not the folk heros their were made out to be, if you wanted to survive back then you had to be ruthless. Yet despite all this you stick with these guys because their trying to survive in an age that no longer wants them...their dinosaurs on the way out and they have their own bizzare code of honour which they do seem to stick buy.Pike speech is excellet when he scolds one of the gang for attacking a his fellow outlaw "When you side with a man you stick with him...if you dont your just an animal."This statement later  resonates with Pike and he decides to make faithful choice that proves hes not just a beast trying to survive.
Also one cant help feel that Peckinpah was reflecting his own views on the Veitnam war...that while the U.S were indeed the good guys were didnt always do nice things to win fights.

Another reason I loved this movie is the Bunch themselves being a representation of the old west, a time and an ideal which is being killed buy the advanceing railroad and with it a new America. This theme has appeared from time to time in other westren movie but the only time Ive seen it been used to its full potentional is actully in a vido game I love, Red Dead Redemption. This game also shares the theme of the dieing west and an outlaw whos become a relic of his time although John Marston has more in Common with Deke rather then pike. The games also takes other nodds and ques from the movie such as helping mexican rebals,  hunting down your former outlaws for the goverment/railroad even your fromer parnters called Dutch after Borgnines character. All in all the Wild Bunch is one of the best westrens of all time and deserves a lads night in watch.

R.I.P Ernest Borgnine
January 24, 1917 – July 8, 2012


Friday 18 May 2012

FUBAR Film Review Classic: DOG SOLDIERS

Hard to belive its been 10 years since one of my top cult horror movies of all time came out. Dog Soldiers was one of the first in a line of gritty British Horror which begane to spring up along side 28 days later in the early naughtys.
The Story was simple take a bunch of likeable Bristish Squadys and pit them agenst werewolves. From the outset this is a blokes movie and you really like the lads which makes it even more compelling as their picked off one buy one. They talk like real blokes theres no "when I get home bullshit."
Kevin MCKidd is exellent as Copper the straightlace buy the book soldier who takes charge and is very reminiscent of Hicks from Aliens. Sean Pertwee  is another actor who shines as the salt of the earth Sargent Welles who dosent want to lose his men. But the scene stealer of the flick is my fan faveriote Irish actor Liam Cunningham as the slimy black ops commander Ryane. The man drips venom and Marshell sets you up to hate in very early in the film buy displaying his sheer crultey.
The movie also pulls an Evil Dead 2 buy jumping between horror and humour without ever sideing with one or the other. In one scene theres a tool up/weapons search((with epic background music)) of the house and you have one of the soldiers finding an electric turkey carver and considers useing it for a momment or two. Then theres private Spoon, the gung-ho nutball and some of his one liners....this is a bloke who gets into a fist fight with a werewolf and when hes about to be eaten says.
"I hope I give you the shits you fucken wimp" The one liners christ this movie got some wicked one liners...their so good youd wish you were in mortal danger so you could use them. Welles looks down at his intestines splayed out across his chest and groans "sausages" and when Copper is finished adressing the men with his battle plan he finishs with " and put the kettle on the boil we could all do with a brew."

This movie is sheer gold and its not suprising Neil Marshell went on to do the Descent what I consider to be up their with Alien in the atmosphere stakes.In all his movies you can see hes a fan and loves movies as much as the people he makes them for. He references everything from Hitchcock to Rami paying homage to those generes. Hes a movie lovers director, this can be seen in his savage  Roman invasion flick Centurion which looked epic on a small budget and it was this that snagged him the job of directing episode 9 in the second season of Game of Thrones which is supposed to be one epic battle called Blackwater.
 So Dog Soldiers in my mind is one of the coolest bloke movies ever and if you do intend on watching it call your mates over, break open a sixpack and prepare to "Howel "with laughter and excitement.

Watch it if you liked: Zulu,Alien, Evil Dead 2,Predator ,Jaws and the Howling or if your a bloke my age!




Wednesday 2 May 2012

Trailer Trash

So yeahe this looks intresting to say the least....was their ever anyone so dickheaded or cuntish you just want to kill them.



Behold a movie we can all relate to in this shitty day and age.


Tuesday 1 May 2012

Top 5 movies you never watch with a date.

There are some movies that are gorey and just plain aweful but you know your grirlfriend can stick them but on the off chance you havent seen or herd of any of these you might want to give snuggling up on the couch to watch these with herself a miss unless you never require sex agien or just like having a restraining order.

(1) Antichrist
Okay so a couple loses their child and decides to retreat to the woods to reflect and repair their relationship.
Things turn trippy and the two breakdown into an orgey of sex and Violance where neither regions are hacked, sliced and crushed. Family entertainment this is not.


(2) Last Tango in Paris
Two strangers decide to have a steamy affier in the most romantic city in the world but their idea of sexy time is far from fucking romantic. Lets just say Marlon Brando and butter should never be aloud in the same room agien...ever!!!


(3) Showgirls
Lads before you think this is Mulion Rouge it aint. Sure its got some dance numbers...featureing more T and A then a copy of playboy. This fucking movie is a shambles from start to finish and can only be of any merrit if your a 14 year old boy looking for  a wankfest. Dont even get my started on the sex scene that looks more like dolphins getting it on which would make an awkward momment all that more painfull.


(4) The Devide
The world ends and a handful of poor souls are trapped in a basement of an apartment building wondering whats going on outside. As the food runs scarce and tensions rise the unit breaks off into packs. What follows is rape, toture ,murder and crossdressing. A mental flick which I enjoyed for its bleak outlook but not a flick you watch with the girl you want to spend the rest of you life with.



(5) Irreversible
A savage rape revenge thriller that starts from the end and works it way back to the start of the movie. Its a tough watch but not really the movie you suggest to watch with your partner. This movie dosent shock so much a burn every sense in your body.



So if you stumped for somthing to watch for the love of christ dont pick these for its better to watch a shitty movie together then have to spend the rest of your nights alone.

Badass box art for 80s horror movies.

When it comes to videos the box art can surpass the flick. This is no more evident than in 80s horror movies check out some of these video covers.

(1) First off Primal Rage ((not to be mistaken for the video game although both feature a savage ape creature))

(2) Leviathan. Robocop vs a mutant underwater in this dire Aliens/ thing rip off.


(3) Night of the Creeps. Aliens,Zombie and slugs....pretty fun flick


(4) Galaxy of Terror. Rogar Cormans dodgey Alien knock off that Jim Cameron ironicly did the set design for. Trash but the poster makes it seem like a pulp schocker.




(5) Hell comes to frog town. Roddy Piper pulls a Duke Nukem buy saving slave girls from mutant frogs then saves the world buy bonking them. Pure gash but in a fun way and the box art trys to give it some sense of style.....But mutant frogs can never be made princes if Roddy pipers killing em.


Just remeber never judge a book buy its cover and sure as fuck never judge an 80s horror buy its box art.


Sunday 1 April 2012

Top five smoking hot scream Queens.

Forget the dumb blonde who runs upstairs when the killer/monster/ ghost is stalking the house the real female selling point in a horror movie for me is the chick that is hot but can handle herself. Heres my list of some badass babes who dont fall to shit when the body count rises.

(1)Mary Elizabeth Winstead
Cute, hot and tough in equal measure Mary Elisabeth Winstead is my top choice for best scream queen. While she did end up on the chopping block in both Final Destination 3 and Black X-mas she didnt go down without a fight. She later appeared in Deathproof wearing a cheerleader uniform that sure as shit went easy on the eyes but the main stable for me picking her was when she Ripelyed out for the Thing prequal. She played Kate Loyd as both highly intelligent and resourceful woman who could hold her own. Mary you got got that girl nextdoor thing with the tough dont mess with me sexyness another reason you got the number one spot.


(2)Rose McGowan
Theres somthing almost femme fatal about Rose McGowan, theres an almost exotic darkness to her but then agien she was engaged to Marilyn Manson and you cant get much darker then that. Her rep as a scream queen started in a bizzare sexually charged horror called Doom Generation and then she hit the big time in Scream (Her death involved being crushed buy a screen door).She later stared in that cult hit Phantoms with Ben Afflick. She Played Duel roles in the Grind house feature but it was her part in Planet Terror that she really left her mark. As Cherry Darling she kicked zombie ass as the stripper with a fucking M-16 for a leg.
She Later played a creepy yet sexy witch in the Conan reboot showing she hadent lost her touch as a bad girl. Rose you might be a bad girl but your sure as hell good at it and thats what get you 2nd place.


(3)Radha Mitchell
The real selling point for care for a person in a horror movie for me is that person has to care for some one else in the moving too. Their child, their spouse, their family. The exellent Australian actress Radha Mitchell always brings a great level of emotion to most of the thriller/horror movies shes and proves shes not just eye candy. Be she the space pilot trying to save her crew from savage Aliens in Pitch Black or the mother trying to rescue her daughter in Silent Hill she always brings an emotional depth not found in many horror movies.
Her stand out preformance I think is in the Crazies. She plays the wife of the Sheriff and town doctor both who have to try and survive an outbreak of a madness due to abio-weapon released in the water supply. She show real distraught at the events taking place and sadness when she knows that she cant save the people she swore to take care of. Radha my dear your our number three.




(4)Danielle Harris
This girl has been a scream queen a long time. At age ten she appeared in Halloween 4 and 5 appearing a Michael Myers neice and intended victim. Her role left such an impact on the series Rob Zombie brought her back for his remakes now a mature young woman Danielle could play a more dangerous and sexy role.
Danielle has appeared also in Hachet 2 and the fantastic Stakeland. It would seem Danielle was born to play Darker more scarey roles which most girls would make a muck of. Danielle keep up the good work and we,ll keep you at number 4.


(5)Jamie Lee Curtis
The Queen mother of scream queen Jamie Lee proved that women didnt have to be victims for the demented killer in slasher movies. He break out role in the first Halloween was the springboard for most modren horror movie heroines.She was the go too girl for tough horror movies having stared in Halloween, The Fog, Prom Night, and Terror Train. Even staring in the comic book adaption of Dark Horses  Virus she proved she could still kick ass. Jamie Lee at number five you round off our list of Scream Queens thank you.



So if ever buy chance you trapped in a house with a killer make sure stick with the levelheaded chick who wouldnt let you feel her up....chances are youll live longer.

Wednesday 28 March 2012

Comicbook movies you wouldnt think are comics.

With the Dark Knight rises and the Avengers due out this summer its fairly safe to say comic books movies are still going strong but you dont have to dawn tights and fight crime for hollywood to pick you. With that siad heres some flicks out there that chances are you wouldnt think are based on comics at all.

Road to Perdition
Sam Mendes adapted Max Allen Collins graphic novel into to could only be described as Oscear fodder.
While the film wasnt bad it seemed to drop alot of the tone and mood of the comic in place of Mendes own style of story telling yet the main permese remains the same Mob enforcer goes on the run with his son after his boss kills his family and seeks vengance. The comic has a number of follow on books yet these seem that they will never to be made into features.






A History of Violence
Based on the dark and gritty comic buy the great comic writer John Wagner this is one of my prefered adaptions and while it dosent stick to the source that well it does grip the main theme of the comic such as how violence dosent just effect those you hurt and kill but those you set out to protect. Cronenberg rightly landed a number of awards for this film and Id put it up there with one of the best comic books adaptions of the last 10 years.


From Hell
This movie was one of the worst attempts to adapt an Allen Moore comic for a number of reasons (1) The book is an almost document epic about the jack the Ripper slaying (2) Johnny Depp acting is cat in this movie and (3) its an Allen Moore story. Moore poured his blood sweat and tears into this book and some how they thought that they could embody that in this murder/mystery box of trash....come on for fuck sake.
Check out this marvel of a book buy all means but appraoching the movie would be a big mitake.



Ghost World
Based on the cult comic buy Daniel Clowes the movie still has the witty quirky vibe of the books. The story is a bittersweet tale of life, love and growing up. while ill never know how this flick got the green light Im glad it did and I suggest either the flick or the book to anyone who is in a place in their lives where they dont really know where they are or what they want to do because this little gem just goes to show your not the only one in that pickle.




So just to remind you guys that you dont need to be Zack Snyder to direct a comic book movie you just need the right story and a love of good graphic novels.

A History of violence published buy Paradox Press/Vertigo
Ghost world Published buy Fantagraphics Books
From Hell Published buy Knockabout Comics
Road to Perdition buy Paradox Press

Wednesday 7 March 2012

Fucked up Fiends!

Sometimes baddies movies are over the top and unreal that we forget that besides hateing them we should also be afriad of them and what they can do......heres a list of my top five most unsettleing baddies in a movie.

(1)Hans Landa :Inglourious Basterds
So Nazies are scarey be the sick fucks in Schinleders list or the melty ones in Raiders of the lost ark...nazies buy a fashion are ment to be scarey. Hans Landa is the most scarey nazie ever...and why you might ask?
Cause he so fucking likable. You drop your defences and thats when your fucked. Be it asking for a glass of milk on minute to gunning down a family of jews under his feet the next the guy can switch just like that. You are totally disarmed buy his charm and quirkyness that you are in state of shock when he ressorts to acts of violance. He savagely strangles Bridget von Hammersmark after flirting with her over the course of the movie. Cold ,cruel and charming the Jew hunter is indeed the worst the nazies have to offer.

(2)Frank: Once upon a time in the West
Okay so the movie opens with a whole family getting slaughtered buy trenchcoat wearing figures...all bar a small child are killed. One of the baddies turns to their leader and says his name "Frank" to which Frank replys "You used my name!" and blows the small boy away. The camera pans up and low and behold its Henry Fonda. Up till now the man only ever played nice guys which sucks really cause hes one cold motherfucker in this. Be it killing women or children or tortureing his crippled boss he is mister Iceman.
No emotion and an ever so slow walk like a spider closing in on prey stuck to its web the guy oozes chilling underplayed menace and that my friends is what gets him onto this list.

 
(3)Chris Cleek :The Woman
Right so despite the fact the woman in question is a feral cannibalistic she bitch from hell shes infact the (anti)hero of this flick.Which begs the question what sthe fucking badguy like.Well let me tell you! Chris Cleek is one scarey motherfucker. Beats his wife but considers hes the best husband in the world. Rapes and tortures the wild woman in th celler buts as he says its to civilize her. Has one daughter locked up with dogs and blinded, turned his son into a sick fuck as much as he is and may have impregnated his eldest daughter  but hay hes sure hes father of the year.....Did I mention he feeds a young teacher to his blind dogchild and german shepards what a swell guy. The Guy really thinks hes every right to treat women like fucking meat. He is a savagely  misogynistic ranting to Peggy (his eldest daughter) that all women a stupied useless c**ts and seems to really beleaf that a womans life is forefit.  Sean Bridgers who im a big fan of  from Deadwood really made this deeply depraved role all his own and reminds us that horror movie monsters dont just have to be the guy waveing an axe but  also the guy just mowing the lawn!

(4)T-1000:Terminator 2
Laugh all you want but I had to put him((it)) in here. In the first movie arnies all smash,bash,crash. You knew what he was going to do and most of the times you knew how he was going to do it. But with the T-1000 it was a different kettle of fish. If Arnies a tank then the 1000 was a stealth bomber. He was sleek and fast and you never really knew whated hed do. He stealthly kills John Conners foster folks buy pretending to be the mom and then implaes the dad..milk carton and all while chating to john in order to get him home. When he stalks John,Sarah and theT-101 through the hospital he does it slowly like an eel or shark hunting its prey....he only kicks into overdrive when he gets a flaking from arnie. Even when Sarah comes close but no ice-cream to killing him he waggles his finger showing a sick sense of humour that no machine should have yet hes so fiendish he just does.



Deputy Sheriff Lou Ford: The Killer Inside Me
Soft spoken and slightly dim is one hell of a cover if your one sick peice of shit. Thats what Lou Fords got down to a tee and that how he gets away with so much carnage. He trys to frame a hooker for the murder of the mayors son and only failed cause he didnt beat her enough to kill her. When his own wife gives him shit he beats her and frames and shoots the town bum who was blackmailing him. He kills all round him and is so cocky that even when his plans turn to shit he dosent seem to break a sweat or even confronted buy the ones who love him show any sort of remorse for his actions. But then agien at the end of the day Lou Ford is jut one mean killing machine


So there you have it. You dont need a cloak, an axe or even an army of henchmen to be a scary badguy....all you need is for people not to notice you until its too late!

Thursday 16 February 2012

FUBAR Film Review: Hardware

So yeahe Ive been working on this new comic called Salvage and its gotten me into a taste for all things Cyberpunk.  A while back Id read a review in an issue of the  Darkside for a flick called Hardware. To me it seemed nothing more then a cheap terminator knockoff. Then I started working on Salvage and shelled out a lot of ideas for bio-mechs in the story. While doing this I got kinda intrested in techno cyberpunk horror and decided to check out some flicks and up poped Hardware agien. After reading up about it and how it was based on a 2000A.D strip called Shok! I decide being a comichead I had to get it and give it a shot.

So the fist part of the flick kicks off with the whole 2000A.D vibe of everythings fucked....the air, the sky and the cites. This nomad finds parts of a robot out in the nuclear wasteland and brings them back to the city ((Refered in some parts as Mega city one)) Who then sell to parts to war worn merc Moses "Hard Mo" Baxter played pretty well buy Dylan McDermott. Mo then gives the parts to his smoking hot girlfriend Jill potrayed in all her sexy stoner glory Miss Stacey Travis. So Mo comes back the bump uglies then fight....then Mo piss's off to find out more about the death machine gift he got his bird only for Jill to make it into a scultpture and get high off cockroach tea while her peeping tom neighbour gets his jollies off.
Mo finds out the thing is a M.A.R.K 13 and checks a passage in his bible Mark 13" No flesh shall be spared" Then he relises oh fuck .....just as the cazy ass deathmachine comes to life. Oh fuck me does it look fucked up...its Johnny five crossed with Peter Sutcliffe. I mean this things attmepts to rape Stacey Travis with its drill dick. At least the termintor just wanted to blow sarah Connors brains out....this thing was just fucking evil.  As a movie Hardware isnt groundbreaking buy any standerds but one can see why it has it cult status and its still a sweet looking horror movie. My only issue had with the plot was that most the characters were high....Jill gets high off cockroach tea, Shades gets high off L.S.D and Mo....well how Mo gets high is rather intresting but the fact was Iwas left wondering why. Okay the world they lived in was shitty hence why they might want to get stoned as fuck. Then I listened to the audio commentry buy Richard Stanly and it all be came clear. After several or so minutes of him ranting about how the army has robots the are just like this and how he used to drop acid and experience ever lasting peace followed buy never ending waves of sorrow I relised this guy has never been down to earth in a long time and in all lightlyhood never will.

So what am I going to give Hardware. Ill give it a 7/10. Its fun ,its gross and its....pretty fucking high.
Rent it if you liked/Aviod it if you hated: Terminator, clockwork orange and Dust Devil.

P.s listen out for Iggy Pop and look out for Motorheads Lemmy.


Wednesday 8 February 2012

Cult Kings of the Video shelf!

So your making a movie say in europe and youv got fuck all of a bob on yahe cause no one really wants to fund Zombie Alien Nazie Hookers from Santaland 6. What do you do...you hire these guys.


(1)Lance Henriksen
I love this man. The guys a fucking living legend. Be he Bishop the milk vomiting andriod with a "heart" of gold in Aliens or the moody manhunter Frank Black in Millennium hes chewing scenery. If hes not chewing senery then its most lightly gravel.....the guys voice is wicked....lets just say you dont want him reading you kid a bedtime story. But he is a legend and an underated talent whos star power shouldnt be found on the video shelf. The guy learned to read when he was 30,  he taught himself by studying film scripts and was one of the few saving graces in the AVP movie. Lance you are a legend.

Check out: Aliens, Millennium, Near Dark and Pumpkinhead Avoid: Mind Ripper.



(2)Rutger Haur
 Another guy who really should have gone on to better things Rutger Haur is mental...but in a good way.
Whether it be convinceing Ridley Scott to let him take a  dangerous jump for a shot in Blade Runner or  uttering a  shithouse mad line like "Let go of me demons your crushing my smokes!"  in Hobo with a Shotgun the man will anything cause he knows he can do anything. Theres some might give me a load of shit for saying this but I think hes way better in Hitcher then Blade Runner. Why you may ask? Its easy the guys so good a playing a fucking mad man cause....well....he is a mad man. In hobo with a shotgun he jumped out a window with his hand bound buy masking tape before the crew could say "Wait Rutger your 67....you shouldnt...oh shit he made it"
Roy Batty may have Seen thing you wouldnt belive.....but the shit weve seen Rutger do well you wouldnt belive it either. Thank Mr Haur.

Check out: Blade Runner, the Hitcher and Hobo with a shotgun. Aviod :Omega Doom.


(3)Clint Howard
I dont care who you are or what you watch youv seen somthing with Clint Howard in it. The  brother or Ron Howard ((yeahe Richte from Happy Day and the guy who director of Apllo 11)) he was a child actor who grew up....however it seem this was a reverse ugly duckly case. Clint is the most oddest locking bloke to ever be exposed to the moving picture. Which explians why he mainly only get bit parts as rednecks, convicts and all in all human waste. Having said all this however Clint can act...he takes a 2 minute role and makes it his own. Dosent matter if hes Dinosaur chow in Carnosaur or the Bullied Nerd in Evil Speak the guy makes it his own. Clint you may not be Brad Pitt but you can sure as shit act.

Check out: Carnosuar and Evil Speak. Aviod:Ping




(4)Eric Roberts
You want a really good bad guy for your movie you get Al Pacino. You cant get Al you go for Eric Roberts instead. The guy is the Master class at playing an Evil shit unlike his sister Juila whos always been the rom-com queen. Hes been a baddie in Heros,  The Justice League cartoons, The Dark Knight and chewed the shit out of the scenery in The Expendables. While hes good at playing bad hes been a bit naughty in real life too In 1987, Roberts was arrested for possession of cocaine and resisting arrest after he tried to assault a NYPD cop. He spent 36 hours in jail, pleaded guilty to harassment, and had all other charges dropped then in February 1995, Roberts was arrested for shoving his wife, Eliza Garrett, into a wall.
Eric Roberts your the King of Naughty basterds.

Checkout: The Dark Knight and The Expendables. Aviod: Cyclops and D.O.A .




(5)Mark Dacascos
This guy has done it and played it all. How and why you may ask? Cause Mark is any and every race.
The guys dad  Al Dacascos, is from Hawaii, and is a martial arts instructor of Filipino, Spanish, and Chinese ancestry. How can you beat that? Well the Chairman on Food Network's television series Iron Chef America. Hes played the Crow in the shortlived but pretty good Tv series and done another comic book adaption in the form of Crying Freeman. Is there there anything he cant do....nope....hes been in  Dancing with the Stars this guy will and can not be stopped.

Checkout:Brotherhood of the Wolf and Crying Freeman Aviod: DNA




Hail to the kings of  budget movies may you live forever.....or at least till your next direct to video movie comes out.

Tuesday 31 January 2012

Tam-a-Dan

If you happen to be glanceing your local video store and are passing buy a section littered with countless shite brit gangster flicks you may notice a thing I like to call Tam-A-Dan. The countless pairing of Tamer Hassan and Danny Dyer. What follows is a list of their on screen team ups. Shudder in fear of Tam-A-Dan.


The Business

City Rats

Dead Man Running

The Last Seven

Football Factory

White Line

At this stage Im convinced both actors have reached a level symbiosis where one cant survive without the other. This Ladies and gentlemen is what I call Tam-A-Dan.


Sunday 22 January 2012

Trailer Trash Newsflash!

Oh god why? Why god why? A movie about tits and Zombies......that will turn people into tits and Zombies.
Got give it  Sony for having ball to flog their stuff in this teaser. Reguardless I may have to witness this train wreck!

Friday 20 January 2012

Trailer Trash!

Heres some trailers to movies im going to be looking forward to seeing on the big screen

First off MS one:Security Maximum its kinda like Escape from New York with Guy Pearce playing a loud-mouth anit-hero.






Next up is Chronicle a supero hero flick with a twist.


Keep your eyes peeled for these flicks cause I know I will!

Tuesday 17 January 2012

Whys that bloke gone to the ladies?.....holy shit its Tilda Swinton

Theres very few actors who have their own little dare I say "Super power" Tilda Swinton on the other hand does. One of the best British actress's in my view she has an uncanny nack for being able to switch her looks of gender to suit a role. This is most evident in 1992s Orlando where she played the title hero of the story buy Virginia Woolf.
She later went on to play Angel Gabriel in the ill advised movie version of the comic Hellblazer.
While most actress would run a mile to aviod roles like these Tilda seems to brave all and any role she given showing her true arthouse roots as a result. And despite all this she is still a very attractive woman in other features. For this I consider Tilda Swinton to be a master class over most actors.

Tildas more butch roles



Yet she still in most respects attractive

Sunday 15 January 2012

FUBAR film review :The Woman

To set the record straight I like revenge flicks....plain and simple. Stuff like death wish are hardcore revenge flicks and like all hard core vengace flicks chances are some ones going to get raped....Something I am not at all fucking fond of but do relise in most cases its the fuse for the powdercagg at the end of the flick. In the Woman the fuse is stuck to a nuke.

First off the Woman is a semi-sequel to the film Offspring. Its about a feral woman who is captured and "civilised" buy a country lawyer and his nuclear family. Thing go from bad to worse to shithouse rat in no time. You soon relise the real monster of the movie isnt the woman ((played with a great mix of beauty and savagery buy Pollyanna McIntosh)) but the seemly clean cut family man.

3 things struck me about this film.

(1) Oh lord jeasus fuck....did they.....can they....well fuck me that was intense!
(2) The soundtrack. Its really good and it really shouldnt work but it does. It would seem more at home in a day time teen drama but due to the setting it lends a yin-yang kinda thing with "man this music sure suits that white picket fence even if that chicks eating that womans face"
(3)Sean Bridgers as Chris Cleek is the bomb. If Im ever doing a top list of evil movie shitheels hes going on it. What makes him scary isnt that he beats his wife, abuses his daughter and rapes the wild lady in their fruit Cellar. Its the fact he does not see any wrong in it. The man plays it like hes the best fucking dad in the world and in no way is harming anyone.

After watching it twice and intending to watch it agien Im going to give the woman 8/10.
Rent it if you liked/ Aviod it if you hated.
I spit on your grave.
Oldboy
Death Wish
The Collector

When you gotta go...you gotta go!

In the movies sometimes the mere call of nature can end up being the call of god. Heres a hand full of jacks located deaths.

Gomer Pyle: Full Metal Jacket
After suffering a full metal break down due to the harsh training Pyle takes a bathroom break and kiss's the wrong end of M-14 rifle.


Donald Gennaro: Jurassic Park
After the T-rex decides hes had enough of being in his enclosure and decides to chew on the two near buy land rovers Gennaro the gimp pegs it to the near buy public bog.....made out of wood and straw!!!!!!
If he wasent shitting it then he is now.

Danny Vinyard : American History X
Having pissed off some Black youth the previous week young Danny is gunned down buy the same young man. The sad part being the after hearing his brothers story Danny was going to change over a leaf.....however too little too late.




Gypsy John : Dead Mans Shoes
Having bullied and tormented former soldier Richard's younger retarded brother the gang all hides out fearing for their lives. Thinking their all safe as long as their together they sit down for a game of cards and talk about how their going to deal with Richard. Gypys John gets up to use the jacks only to be amushed buy Richard while on the pot. Caught literally with his pants down John have his head opened up via Richards axe and the words "one down" scrawled in blood on the bogs wall its a fitting ending to a cruel bully.






Vincent Vega: Pulp Fiction
To be frank bad shit ((no pun intended)) happens when Vincent Vega uses the loo.
  1. Vincent and Jules’s diner breakfast and philosophical conversation is aborted by an armed robbery while Vincent is reading on the toilet.
  2. While Vincent is in the bathroom worrying about the possibility of going too far with Marsellus's wife, Mia mistakes his heroin for cocaine, snorts it, and overdoses.
  3. During a stakeout at Butch’s apartment, Vincent emerges from the toilet with his book and is killed by Butch.



So next time when you need to pinch one off becareful.....you may have more to worry about then just running out of jacks roll.