FUBAR Film Review Classic: DOG SOLDIERS

Hard to belive its been 10 years since one of my top cult horror movies of all time came out. Dog Soldiers was one of the first in a line of gritty British Horror which begane to spring up along side 28 days later in the early naughtys.
The Story was simple take a bunch of likeable Bristish Squadys and pit them agenst werewolves. From the outset this is a blokes movie and you really like the lads which makes it even more compelling as their picked off one buy one. They talk like real blokes theres no "when I get home bullshit."
Kevin MCKidd is exellent as Copper the straightlace buy the book soldier who takes charge and is very reminiscent of Hicks from Aliens. Sean Pertwee  is another actor who shines as the salt of the earth Sargent Welles who dosent want to lose his men. But the scene stealer of the flick is my fan faveriote Irish actor Liam Cunningham as the slimy black ops commander Ryane. The man drips venom and Marshell sets you up to hate in very early in the film buy displaying his sheer crultey.
The movie also pulls an Evil Dead 2 buy jumping between horror and humour without ever sideing with one or the other. In one scene theres a tool up/weapons search((with epic background music)) of the house and you have one of the soldiers finding an electric turkey carver and considers useing it for a momment or two. Then theres private Spoon, the gung-ho nutball and some of his one liners....this is a bloke who gets into a fist fight with a werewolf and when hes about to be eaten says.
"I hope I give you the shits you fucken wimp" The one liners christ this movie got some wicked one liners...their so good youd wish you were in mortal danger so you could use them. Welles looks down at his intestines splayed out across his chest and groans "sausages" and when Copper is finished adressing the men with his battle plan he finishs with " and put the kettle on the boil we could all do with a brew."

This movie is sheer gold and its not suprising Neil Marshell went on to do the Descent what I consider to be up their with Alien in the atmosphere stakes.In all his movies you can see hes a fan and loves movies as much as the people he makes them for. He references everything from Hitchcock to Rami paying homage to those generes. Hes a movie lovers director, this can be seen in his savage  Roman invasion flick Centurion which looked epic on a small budget and it was this that snagged him the job of directing episode 9 in the second season of Game of Thrones which is supposed to be one epic battle called Blackwater.
 So Dog Soldiers in my mind is one of the coolest bloke movies ever and if you do intend on watching it call your mates over, break open a sixpack and prepare to "Howel "with laughter and excitement.

Watch it if you liked: Zulu,Alien, Evil Dead 2,Predator ,Jaws and the Howling or if your a bloke my age!



Trailer Trash

So yeahe this looks intresting to say the least....was their ever anyone so dickheaded or cuntish you just want to kill them.



Behold a movie we can all relate to in this shitty day and age.



Top 5 movies you never watch with a date.

There are some movies that are gorey and just plain aweful but you know your grirlfriend can stick them but on the off chance you havent seen or herd of any of these you might want to give snuggling up on the couch to watch these with herself a miss unless you never require sex agien or just like having a restraining order.

(1) Antichrist
Okay so a couple loses their child and decides to retreat to the woods to reflect and repair their relationship.
Things turn trippy and the two breakdown into an orgey of sex and Violance where neither regions are hacked, sliced and crushed. Family entertainment this is not.



(2) Last Tango in Paris
Two strangers decide to have a steamy affier in the most romantic city in the world but their idea of sexy time is far from fucking romantic. Lets just say Marlon Brando and butter should never be aloud in the same room agien...ever!!!

(3) Showgirls
Lads before you think this is Mulion Rouge it aint. Sure its got some dance numbers...featureing more T and A then a copy of playboy. This fucking movie is a shambles from start to finish and can only be of any merrit if your a 14 year old boy looking for  a wankfest. Dont even get my started on the sex scene that looks more like dolphins getting it on which would make an awkward momment all that more painfull.



(4) The Devide

The world ends and a handful of poor souls are trapped in a basement of an apartment building wondering whats going on outside. As the food runs scarce and tensions rise the unit breaks off into packs. What follows is rape, toture ,murder and crossdressing. A mental flick which I enjoyed for its bleak outlook but not a flick you watch with the girl you want to spend the rest of you life with.

(5) Irreversible
A savage rape revenge thriller that starts from the end and works it way back to the start of the movie. Its a tough watch but not really the movie you suggest to watch with your partner. This movie dosent shock so much a burn every sense in your body.





So if you stumped for somthing to watch for the love of christ dont pick these for its better to watch a shitty movie together then have to spend the rest of your nights alone.

Badass box art for 80s horror movies.

When it comes to videos the box art can surpass the flick. This is no more evident than in 80s horror movies check out some of these video covers.

(1) First off Primal Rage ((not to be mistaken for the video game although both feature a savage ape creature))

(2) Leviathan. Robocop vs a mutant underwater in this dire Aliens/ thing rip off.

(3) Night of the Creeps. Aliens,Zombie and slugs....pretty fun flick

(4) Galaxy of Terror. Rogar Cormans dodgey Alien knock off that Jim Cameron ironicly did the set design for. Trash but the poster makes it seem like a pulp schocker.





(5) Hell comes to frog town. Roddy Piper pulls a Duke Nukem buy saving slave girls from mutant frogs then saves the world buy bonking them. Pure gash but in a fun way and the box art trys to give it some sense of style.....But mutant frogs can never be made princes if Roddy pipers killing em.

Just remeber never judge a book buy its cover and sure as fuck never judge an 80s horror buy its box art.



Top five smoking hot scream Queens.

Forget the dumb blonde who runs upstairs when the killer/monster/ ghost is stalking the house the real female selling point in a horror movie for me is the chick that is hot but can handle herself. Heres my list of some badass babes who dont fall to shit when the body count rises.

(1)Mary Elizabeth Winstead

Cute, hot and tough in equal measure Mary Elisabeth Winstead is my top choice for best scream queen. While she did end up on the chopping block in both Final Destination 3 and Black X-mas she didnt go down without a fight. She later appeared in Deathproof wearing a cheerleader uniform that sure as shit went easy on the eyes but the main stable for me picking her was when she Ripelyed out for the Thing prequal. She played Kate Loyd as both highly intelligent and resourceful woman who could hold her own. Mary you got got that girl nextdoor thing with the tough dont mess with me sexyness another reason you got the number one spot.



(2)Rose McGowan

Theres somthing almost femme fatal about Rose McGowan, theres an almost exotic darkness to her but then agien she was engaged to Marilyn Manson and you cant get much darker then that. Her rep as a scream queen started in a bizzare sexually charged horror called Doom Generation and then she hit the big time in Scream (Her death involved being crushed buy a screen door).She later stared in that cult hit Phantoms with Ben Afflick. She Played Duel roles in the Grind house feature but it was her part in Planet Terror that she really left her mark. As Cherry Darling she kicked zombie ass as the stripper with a fucking M-16 for a leg.

She Later played a creepy yet sexy witch in the Conan reboot showing she hadent lost her touch as a bad girl. Rose you might be a bad girl but your sure as hell good at it and thats what get you 2nd place.

(3)Radha Mitchell
The real selling point for care for a person in a horror movie for me is that person has to care for some one else in the moving too. Their child, their spouse, their family. The exellent Australian actress Radha Mitchell always brings a great level of emotion to most of the thriller/horror movies shes and proves shes not just eye candy. Be she the space pilot trying to save her crew from savage Aliens in Pitch Black or the mother trying to rescue her daughter in Silent Hill she always brings an emotional depth not found in many horror movies.
Her stand out preformance I think is in the Crazies. She plays the wife of the Sheriff and town doctor both who have to try and survive an outbreak of a madness due to abio-weapon released in the water supply. She show real distraught at the events taking place and sadness when she knows that she cant save the people she swore to take care of. Radha my dear your our number three.

(4)Danielle Harris
This girl has been a scream queen a long time. At age ten she appeared in Halloween 4 and 5 appearing a Michael Myers neice and intended victim. Her role left such an impact on the series Rob Zombie brought her back for his remakes now a mature young woman Danielle could play a more dangerous and sexy role.
Danielle has appeared also in Hachet 2 and the fantastic Stakeland. It would seem Danielle was born to play Darker more scarey roles which most girls would make a muck of. Danielle keep up the good work and we,ll keep you at number 4.

(5)Jamie Lee Curtis

The Queen mother of scream queen Jamie Lee proved that women didnt have to be victims for the demented killer in slasher movies. He break out role in the first Halloween was the springboard for most modren horror movie heroines.She was the go too girl for tough horror movies having stared in Halloween, The Fog, Prom Night, and Terror Train. Even staring in the comic book adaption of Dark Horses  Virus she proved she could still kick ass. Jamie Lee at number five you round off our list of Scream Queens thank you.

So if ever buy chance you trapped in a house with a killer make sure stick with the levelheaded chick who wouldnt let you feel her up....chances are youll live longer.

Comicbook movies you wouldnt think are comics.

With the Dark Knight rises and the Avengers due out this summer its fairly safe to say comic books movies are still going strong but you dont have to dawn tights and fight crime for hollywood to pick you. With that siad heres some flicks out there that chances are you wouldnt think are based on comics at all.

Road to Perdition
Sam Mendes adapted Max Allen Collins graphic novel into to could only be described as Oscear fodder.
While the film wasnt bad it seemed to drop alot of the tone and mood of the comic in place of Mendes own style of story telling yet the main permese remains the same Mob enforcer goes on the run with his son after his boss kills his family and seeks vengance. The comic has a number of follow on books yet these seem that they will never to be made into features.

A History of Violence

Based on the dark and gritty comic buy the great comic writer John Wagner this is one of my prefered adaptions and while it dosent stick to the source that well it does grip the main theme of the comic such as how violence dosent just effect those you hurt and kill but those you set out to protect. Cronenberg rightly landed a number of awards for this film and Id put it up there with one of the best comic books adaptions of the last 10 years.

From Hell
This movie was one of the worst attempts to adapt an Allen Moore comic for a number of reasons (1) The book is an almost document epic about the jack the Ripper slaying (2) Johnny Depp acting is cat in this movie and (3) its an Allen Moore story. Moore poured his blood sweat and tears into this book and some how they thought that they could embody that in this murder/mystery box of trash....come on for fuck sake.
Check out this marvel of a book buy all means but appraoching the movie would be a big mitake.

Ghost World

Based on the cult comic buy Daniel Clowes the movie still has the witty quirky vibe of the books. The story is a bittersweet tale of life, love and growing up. while ill never know how this flick got the green light Im glad it did and I suggest either the flick or the book to anyone who is in a place in their lives where they dont really know where they are or what they want to do because this little gem just goes to show your not the only one in that pickle.

So just to remind you guys that you dont need to be Zack Snyder to direct a comic book movie you just need the right story and a love of good graphic novels.

A History of violence published buy Paradox Press/Vertigo

Ghost world Published buy Fantagraphics Books

From Hell Published buy Knockabout Comics

Road to Perdition buy Paradox Press

Fucked up Fiends!

Sometimes baddies movies are over the top and unreal that we forget that besides hateing them we should also be afriad of them and what they can do......heres a list of my top five most unsettleing baddies in a movie.

(1)Hans Landa :Inglourious Basterds
So Nazies are scarey be the sick fucks in Schinleders list or the melty ones in Raiders of the lost ark...nazies buy a fashion are ment to be scarey. Hans Landa is the most scarey nazie ever...and why you might ask?
Cause he so fucking likable. You drop your defences and thats when your fucked. Be it asking for a glass of milk on minute to gunning down a family of jews under his feet the next the guy can switch just like that. You are totally disarmed buy his charm and quirkyness that you are in state of shock when he ressorts to acts of violance. He savagely strangles Bridget von Hammersmark after flirting with her over the course of the movie. Cold ,cruel and charming the Jew hunter is indeed the worst the nazies have to offer.

(2)Frank: Once upon a time in the West
Okay so the movie opens with a whole family getting slaughtered buy trenchcoat wearing figures...all bar a small child are killed. One of the baddies turns to their leader and says his name "Frank" to which Frank replys "You used my name!" and blows the small boy away. The camera pans up and low and behold its Henry Fonda. Up till now the man only ever played nice guys which sucks really cause hes one cold motherfucker in this. Be it killing women or children or tortureing his crippled boss he is mister Iceman.
No emotion and an ever so slow walk like a spider closing in on prey stuck to its web the guy oozes chilling underplayed menace and that my friends is what gets him onto this list.

 
(3)Chris Cleek :The Woman
Right so despite the fact the woman in question is a feral cannibalistic she bitch from hell shes infact the (anti)hero of this flick.Which begs the question what sthe fucking badguy like.Well let me tell you! Chris Cleek is one scarey motherfucker. Beats his wife but considers hes the best husband in the world. Rapes and tortures the wild woman in th celler buts as he says its to civilize her. Has one daughter locked up with dogs and blinded, turned his son into a sick fuck as much as he is and may have impregnated his eldest daughter  but hay hes sure hes father of the year.....Did I mention he feeds a young teacher to his blind dogchild and german shepards what a swell guy. The Guy really thinks hes every right to treat women like fucking meat. He is a savagely  misogynistic ranting to Peggy (his eldest daughter) that all women a stupied useless c**ts and seems to really beleaf that a womans life is forefit.  Sean Bridgers who im a big fan of  from Deadwood really made this deeply depraved role all his own and reminds us that horror movie monsters dont just have to be the guy waveing an axe but  also the guy just mowing the lawn!

(4)T-1000:Terminator 2
Laugh all you want but I had to put him((it)) in here. In the first movie arnies all smash,bash,crash. You knew what he was going to do and most of the times you knew how he was going to do it. But with the T-1000 it was a different kettle of fish. If Arnies a tank then the 1000 was a stealth bomber. He was sleek and fast and you never really knew whated hed do. He stealthly kills John Conners foster folks buy pretending to be the mom and then implaes the dad..milk carton and all while chating to john in order to get him home. When he stalks John,Sarah and theT-101 through the hospital he does it slowly like an eel or shark hunting its prey....he only kicks into overdrive when he gets a flaking from arnie. Even when Sarah comes close but no ice-cream to killing him he waggles his finger showing a sick sense of humour that no machine should have yet hes so fiendish he just does.

Deputy Sheriff Lou Ford: The Killer Inside Me
Soft spoken and slightly dim is one hell of a cover if your one sick peice of shit. Thats what Lou Fords got down to a tee and that how he gets away with so much carnage. He trys to frame a hooker for the murder of the mayors son and only failed cause he didnt beat her enough to kill her. When his own wife gives him shit he beats her and frames and shoots the town bum who was blackmailing him. He kills all round him and is so cocky that even when his plans turn to shit he dosent seem to break a sweat or even confronted buy the ones who love him show any sort of remorse for his actions. But then agien at the end of the day Lou Ford is jut one mean killing machine

So there you have it. You dont need a cloak, an axe or even an army of henchmen to be a scary badguy....all you need is for people not to notice you until its too late!