Cult Kings of the Video shelf!

So your making a movie say in europe and youv got fuck all of a bob on yahe cause no one really wants to fund Zombie Alien Nazie Hookers from Santaland 6. What do you do...you hire these guys.


(1)Lance Henriksen
I love this man. The guys a fucking living legend. Be he Bishop the milk vomiting andriod with a "heart" of gold in Aliens or the moody manhunter Frank Black in Millennium hes chewing scenery. If hes not chewing senery then its most lightly gravel.....the guys voice is wicked....lets just say you dont want him reading you kid a bedtime story. But he is a legend and an underated talent whos star power shouldnt be found on the video shelf. The guy learned to read when he was 30,  he taught himself by studying film scripts and was one of the few saving graces in the AVP movie. Lance you are a legend.

Check out: Aliens, Millennium, Near Dark and Pumpkinhead Avoid: Mind Ripper.

(2)Rutger Haur
 Another guy who really should have gone on to better things Rutger Haur is mental...but in a good way.
Whether it be convinceing Ridley Scott to let him take a  dangerous jump for a shot in Blade Runner or  uttering a  shithouse mad line like "Let go of me demons your crushing my smokes!"  in Hobo with a Shotgun the man will anything cause he knows he can do anything. Theres some might give me a load of shit for saying this but I think hes way better in Hitcher then Blade Runner. Why you may ask? Its easy the guys so good a playing a fucking mad man cause....well....he is a mad man. In hobo with a shotgun he jumped out a window with his hand bound buy masking tape before the crew could say "Wait Rutger your 67....you shouldnt...oh shit he made it"
Roy Batty may have Seen thing you wouldnt belive.....but the shit weve seen Rutger do well you wouldnt belive it either. Thank Mr Haur.

Check out: Blade Runner, the Hitcher and Hobo with a shotgun. Aviod :Omega Doom.

(3)Clint Howard
I dont care who you are or what you watch youv seen somthing with Clint Howard in it. The  brother or Ron Howard ((yeahe Richte from Happy Day and the guy who director of Apllo 11)) he was a child actor who grew up....however it seem this was a reverse ugly duckly case. Clint is the most oddest locking bloke to ever be exposed to the moving picture. Which explians why he mainly only get bit parts as rednecks, convicts and all in all human waste. Having said all this however Clint can act...he takes a 2 minute role and makes it his own. Dosent matter if hes Dinosaur chow in Carnosaur or the Bullied Nerd in Evil Speak the guy makes it his own. Clint you may not be Brad Pitt but you can sure as shit act.

Check out: Carnosuar and Evil Speak. Aviod:Ping

(4)Eric Roberts
You want a really good bad guy for your movie you get Al Pacino. You cant get Al you go for Eric Roberts instead. The guy is the Master class at playing an Evil shit unlike his sister Juila whos always been the rom-com queen. Hes been a baddie in Heros,  The Justice League cartoons, The Dark Knight and chewed the shit out of the scenery in The Expendables. While hes good at playing bad hes been a bit naughty in real life too In 1987, Roberts was arrested for possession of cocaine and resisting arrest after he tried to assault a NYPD cop. He spent 36 hours in jail, pleaded guilty to harassment, and had all other charges dropped then in February 1995, Roberts was arrested for shoving his wife, Eliza Garrett, into a wall.
Eric Roberts your the King of Naughty basterds.

Checkout: The Dark Knight and The Expendables. Aviod: Cyclops and D.O.A .

(5)Mark Dacascos
This guy has done it and played it all. How and why you may ask? Cause Mark is any and every race.
The guys dad  Al Dacascos, is from Hawaii, and is a martial arts instructor of Filipino, Spanish, and Chinese ancestry. How can you beat that? Well the Chairman on Food Network's television series Iron Chef America. Hes played the Crow in the shortlived but pretty good Tv series and done another comic book adaption in the form of Crying Freeman. Is there there anything he cant do....nope....hes been in  Dancing with the Stars this guy will and can not be stopped.

Checkout:Brotherhood of the Wolf and Crying Freeman Aviod: DNA

Hail to the kings of  budget movies may you live forever.....or at least till your next direct to video movie comes out.

Tam-a-Dan

If you happen to be glanceing your local video store and are passing buy a section littered with countless shite brit gangster flicks you may notice a thing I like to call Tam-A-Dan. The countless pairing of Tamer Hassan and Danny Dyer. What follows is a list of their on screen team ups. Shudder in fear of Tam-A-Dan.


The Business

City Rats

Dead Man Running

The Last Seven

Football Factory

White Line

At this stage Im convinced both actors have reached a level symbiosis where one cant survive without the other. This Ladies and gentlemen is what I call Tam-A-Dan.

Trailer Trash Newsflash!

Oh god why? Why god why? A movie about tits and Zombies......that will turn people into tits and Zombies.

Got give it  Sony for having ball to flog their stuff in this teaser. Reguardless I may have to witness this train wreck!

Trailer Trash!

Heres some trailers to movies im going to be looking forward to seeing on the big screen

First off MS one:Security Maximum its kinda like Escape from New York with Guy Pearce playing a loud-mouth anit-hero.



Next up is Chronicle a supero hero flick with a twist.

Keep your eyes peeled for these flicks cause I know I will!

Whys that bloke gone to the ladies?.....holy shit its Tilda Swinton

Theres very few actors who have their own little dare I say "Super power" Tilda Swinton on the other hand does. One of the best British actress's in my view she has an uncanny nack for being able to switch her looks of gender to suit a role. This is most evident in 1992s Orlando where she played the title hero of the story buy Virginia Woolf.
She later went on to play Angel Gabriel in the ill advised movie version of the comic Hellblazer.
While most actress would run a mile to aviod roles like these Tilda seems to brave all and any role she given showing her true arthouse roots as a result. And despite all this she is still a very attractive woman in other features. For this I consider Tilda Swinton to be a master class over most actors.

Tildas more butch roles

Yet she still in most respects attractive

FUBAR film review :The Woman

To set the record straight I like revenge flicks....plain and simple. Stuff like death wish are hardcore revenge flicks and like all hard core vengace flicks chances are some ones going to get raped....Something I am not at all fucking fond of but do relise in most cases its the fuse for the powdercagg at the end of the flick. In the Woman the fuse is stuck to a nuke.

First off the Woman is a semi-sequel to the film Offspring. Its about a feral woman who is captured and "civilised" buy a country lawyer and his nuclear family. Thing go from bad to worse to shithouse rat in no time. You soon relise the real monster of the movie isnt the woman ((played with a great mix of beauty and savagery buy Pollyanna McIntosh)) but the seemly clean cut family man.

3 things struck me about this film.

(1) Oh lord jeasus fuck....did they.....can they....well fuck me that was intense!
(2) The soundtrack. Its really good and it really shouldnt work but it does. It would seem more at home in a day time teen drama but due to the setting it lends a yin-yang kinda thing with "man this music sure suits that white picket fence even if that chicks eating that womans face"
(3)Sean Bridgers as Chris Cleek is the bomb. If Im ever doing a top list of evil movie shitheels hes going on it. What makes him scary isnt that he beats his wife, abuses his daughter and rapes the wild lady in their fruit Cellar. Its the fact he does not see any wrong in it. The man plays it like hes the best fucking dad in the world and in no way is harming anyone.

After watching it twice and intending to watch it agien Im going to give the woman 8/10.
Rent it if you liked/ Aviod it if you hated.
I spit on your grave.
Oldboy
Death Wish
The Collector

When you gotta go...you gotta go!

In the movies sometimes the mere call of nature can end up being the call of god. Heres a hand full of jacks located deaths.

Gomer Pyle: Full Metal Jacket
After suffering a full metal break down due to the harsh training Pyle takes a bathroom break and kiss's the wrong end of M-14 rifle.

Donald Gennaro: Jurassic Park

After the T-rex decides hes had enough of being in his enclosure and decides to chew on the two near buy land rovers Gennaro the gimp pegs it to the near buy public bog.....made out of wood and straw!!!!!!

If he wasent shitting it then he is now.

Danny Vinyard : American History X
Having pissed off some Black youth the previous week young Danny is gunned down buy the same young man. The sad part being the after hearing his brothers story Danny was going to change over a leaf.....however too little too late.

Gypsy John : Dead Mans Shoes

Having bullied and tormented former soldier Richard's younger retarded brother the gang all hides out fearing for their lives. Thinking their all safe as long as their together they sit down for a game of cards and talk about how their going to deal with Richard. Gypys John gets up to use the jacks only to be amushed buy Richard while on the pot. Caught literally with his pants down John have his head opened up via Richards axe and the words "one down" scrawled in blood on the bogs wall its a fitting ending to a cruel bully.

Vincent Vega: Pulp Fiction

To be frank bad shit ((no pun intended)) happens when Vincent Vega uses the loo.

1. Vincent and Jules’s diner breakfast and philosophical conversation is aborted by an armed robbery while Vincent is reading on the toilet.
2. While Vincent is in the bathroom worrying about the possibility of going too far with Marsellus's wife, Mia mistakes his heroin for cocaine, snorts it, and overdoses.
3. During a stakeout at Butch’s apartment, Vincent emerges from the toilet with his book and is killed by Butch.

So next time when you need to pinch one off becareful.....you may have more to worry about then just running out of jacks roll.